


Disastermas

by Elivra



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Christmas, Comedy, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Other, Veterans Secret Santa 2019, disaster girlfriends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:02:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21956332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elivra/pseuds/Elivra
Summary: My gift for acrknowyou on Tumblr and Twitter!Erwin and Levi are disaster girlfriends, and Christmas with them is *almost* disastrous every year. Hange loves them anyway.Eruri and Mobuhan from Hange's POV, background Mikenana.Rated for swearing, mentions of sexy times.
Relationships: Fem!Eruri - Relationship, Levi/Erwin Smith, Moblit Berner/Hange Zoë, Nanaba/Mike Zacharias
Comments: 5
Kudos: 35





	Disastermas

**Author's Note:**

> MERRY LEVIMAS EVERYONE!! This one took longer to write than I care to admit, BUT it was an absolute blast!!
> 
> Everyone please check out the lovely Acrknowyou on [tumblr](https://acrknowyou.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/acrknowyou/), their art is phenomenal! Their fem!Eruris make me soft, and so I couldn't resist writing them as well!
> 
> Hope you all like it, happy reading! <3

* * *

Hange thinks there was a time when they _liked_ Christmas. Genuinely, properly _liked_ it. The whole advertisement-fuelled, clichéd, sugary, sticky-sweet _mess_ of it.

That feels like a distant memory, though. A far-away, alternative version of them. A younger, simpler Hange, revelling in younger, simpler times.

“You're doing it again.”

They break out of their funk to see a mug of hot coffee waiting for them on their desk.

“Huh?”

“Writing your memoirs in your head.”

They sniff at the coffee, and smell chocolate and cream.

“Moblit,” they say faintly, “have I told you just how much I adore you?”

They can hear the smirk in his voice. “Not nearly enough sober, no.” He sits down next to them, and reflexively catches a stack of papers that Hange pushes out of the way for their coffee mug. "Okay, what's wrong?"

Hange sighs, flings away their glasses. Moblit folds them up automatically. "The usual," they say darkly. " _The disaster girlfriends_."

*

* * *

~~_**DISTASTERMAS** _ ~~

~~_**YEAR ONE** _ ~~

“Hange, I fucked up.”

“Woah, woah, Erwin, hold on-”

“I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up _everything_ -”

“Oi! Erwin!”

A sharp knock to the head had always worked for their moody best friend, and this was no exception. Erwin stopped panicking, her face took on the demeanour of a wounded puppy.

Hange would have laughed at the idea of _them_ having to calm down Erwin instead of the other way around. But then again, Erwin Smith was calm and completely self assured in every part of her life save _one_.

"Now tell me what you did to Levi."

"I didn't do anything _to_ her-" She started defensively, then deflated. "I…" Her voice became a low mumble. "...boughtheragift."

"What was that?"

"I," she swallowed, "bought her a gift, Hange!"

Hange stared. "So? What did you buy her?"

Erwin sighed harshly, kneaded her forehead. "It's not _what_ I bought, it's the fact that I bought it!" When Hange said nothing, she continued, "She hates Christmas! Hates everything about it, the gifts most of all!"

"Well," Hange said slowly, "it's also her birthday, so…"

"You don't get it!" Erwin threw up her hands, completely distraught again. "I bought her cute earrings for our six month anniversary and she-" She slumped again. "It was _not_ good."

"So don't give it to her?"

"I… I've already made the down payment and I just found out that it's too late to cancel."

" _Down payment_?" Hange practically shrieked and Erwin shushed her immediately. "What did you get her?"

Erwin told them.

" _You bought her a_ -"

"Shhhh!"

Hange wanted to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all, but then they realised something. "Wait. Bookings have been closed for _months_ , when did you-"

"February," Erwin sighed, slumping even more. "I booked the car in February."

*

* * *

"So… you didn't get her _anything_?"

Levi directed one of her patented cold glares at them. "We both agree it's a stupid and consumerist holiday, Hange," she said loftily.

"Not everyone is dead inside like you, Levi," Hange quipped, irritated. Levi simply shrugged, and turned back to her computer. "You don't know her like I do."

"Excuse _you_ ," Hange snorted, perching on Levi's desk. "You may have had your nose buried in her vajayjay for the better part of a year, but I've known Erwin for over _ten_ years." They snatched a fry from Levi's lunchbox. "I've held her hair back as she drunk-puked. You don't get the kind of bond that creates."

"Get off my desk," Levi grumbled, and Hange ignored her as usual.

It had all worked out beautifully, as far as Hange was concerned. Erwin and Levi had met at a trashy New Years’ Party, dropped off the radar for a week immediately after, scaring all their friends, and had re-emerged happy and practically in love. Levi had quit her boring job in two weeks, started working at Hange’s research centre in four. Their friend sets had mingled marvellously in the meantime and they’d all been at Mike’s wedding in July. They were altogether one big, happy family, and Hange thought they were really lucky how perfect everything had turned out to be.

But now it was their first Christmas together, and Hange realised that they may have been _incredibly_ naive.

“Get Erwin a gift, Levi,” Hange said presently, trying to steal more fries, and whined when Levi held the lunchbox away.

“Fuck off,” Levi snarled.

“Seriously, trust me on this. Erwin _loves_ Christmas.”

“Fine, I’ll think about it!” Levi snapped. “Get off my desk.”

When Levi had found out that Hange and Moblit worked together, she had crinkled her nose at the ‘unprofessionalism’ of it. Until Hange had walked into her office to find Erwin on her knees under her desk. She hadn’t mentioned ‘workplace professionalism’ ever again.

“Why, is Erwin here again?” Hange ducked to check under the desk.

“Get out, Four-eyes!”

Hange snickered and flitted over to the door. “Gift,” they reminded her.

“ _Leave_.”

*

* * *

The first Christmas was… almost a disaster. The car had arrived, shiny and luxurious, and Erwin had stammered through explaining why she had bought a car, an _expensive_ one, when she’d just got a new one the previous year. Levi had pursed her lips, silent and distant all day. Everyone else was left feeling awkward. Upon much pestering, Levi gave Erwin her ‘gift’ - a small paper bag, which contained a single booklet of handmade coupons. This had proven too much for Hange, who had burst into hysterical laughter and had to be dragged away hastily by Moblit, before things could turn violent.

“ _Buy_ a gift,” Hange mumbled drunkenly into Moblit’s collar in the back of the cab.

“What’s that?”

“I should have told her to buy a gift, not just _give_ her one,” Hange sighed.

Moblit sighed, too. “Next time, “ he said, unhappily.

*

* * *

To everyone’s surprise, Erwin and Levi seemed perfectly normal when they all met again on New Year’s Eve.

“So, Erwin,” Hange yelled above the music, “you guys sorted it out, huh?”

Erwin nodded happily, eyes fixed on Levi on the dance floor. “We reached a compromise.”

Hange beamed at her. “That’s good! What did you do?”

Erwin knocked back her drink. Her smile widened. “Car sex,” she said smugly and sauntered over to join her beckoning girlfriend.

*

* * *

~~_**DISASTERMAS** _ ~~

~~_**YEAR TWO** _ ~~

The second Christmas was worse. Almost. Erwin and Levi had moved in together in the intervening year, and had decided to celebrate Christmas on their own. Everyone remembered the disaster Christmas from the previous year, so no one disagreed.

Two days before Christmas Hange was feeling confident about the approaching holiday. They had everything planned to perfection. They'd actually bought gifts in advance for once, they'd managed to put up the Christmas tree and shorted the lights only _once_. They'd decorated the rest of their apartment without a single strangling accident. They were proud of themselves, and they could tell Moblit was, too, from the pleased glint in his eyes.

"You've outdone yourself, boss," he said fondly, planting a kiss on their (freshly washed) hair. Hange grinned, clinked their nearly empty wineglasses and snuggled closer. "What do you say," their smirk turned devilish, "we head to the bedroom?" They revelled in the soft blush that spread across Moblit's cheeks instantly. They loved how flustered he could get, even now, and congratulated themselves again. The entire day had seemed spontaneous but it sure as hell was _not_. They'd been planning this for a whole week, and they deliberated over telling him so, wondering if that could make him blush more deliciously.

"Well," he gulped, clutching the hand around his waist tightly, "I guess we-"

Hange's phone began to ring. The loud K-pop jingle seemed jarring in the cosy silence, and Hange finally understood their friends' insistence on changing their ringtone. Moblit began to draw away, but they grabbed his collar with one hand, reached for their phone with the other.

" _No_ ," they growled. They checked the caller ID -it was Levi. They huffed, silenced the phone and tossed it aside. "Ignore it."

The buzzing stopped. Hange reached up to kiss Moblit, soft and firm, when the phone began to ring again.

"For fucks sake," they snarled, disengaging.

Moblit sighed, then chuckled. "You should get that."

They answered with a furious swipe. "What?" They hissed.

"I need your help," came Levi's voice, a monotone as ever, but Hange could tell she was stressed.

"What?" They repeated, then sat up straight. "What happened?" This was serious. Levi had _never_ asked for their help.

"I fucked up," a small hint of the stress was audible now.

"Levi, what happened?"

"I need. I need to buy a gift."

What.

" _What_."

"For Erwin."

"You. You haven't bought _anything_ yet?"

Levi's huff crackled in the phone. "I thought we weren't doing anything this year, but. I think she has something planned. I need to buy something, Hange."

"What, _now_?"

"I don't want to buy the leftover shit tomorrow."

"It's not going to be much different now," Hange mused, looking out the window. It wasn't late, but it was already dark out. "The stores will close in like an hour."

"I know," Levi said unhappily. "Please."

Hange sighed loudly, glancing at Moblit, who seemed to have understood. He shrugged and nodded ruefully.

Hange sighed. "Fine. You're driving."

"I'll be there in ten minutes."

"Oh, and Levi."

"Yeah?"

Hange patted Moblit's cheek affectionately and stood up. "You owe me big time."

*

* * *

Shopping with Levi was _horrendous_. Hange had suspected as much, and had avoided going with her for that very reason. But now they were forced to face Levi's picky pigheadedness in full force.

"How about this one?" Hange said, snatching a jacket off the rack desperately.

Levi scowled even more. "She has a better one."

"Oh my god. Levi, please. Pick _something_."

"She won't use it."

"The perfume gift set then!"

"She gets one every year from her cousins."

An announcement rang out: the store was closing in ten minutes. Levi glanced at Hange, her face twisted in full panic. Hange had never seen a more poignant cry for help.

" _Fuck_ ," they swore, and grabbed her hand. "C'mon, Home section, _move_."

They hurried to the Home and Decor section but it was more of the same thing. Hange stood helplessly by as Levi weighed two tacky candlesticks in each hand. They imagined Erwin opening the gift wrapping, imagined the awkward pause as she'd (of course) pretend to like the gift. No, Hange realised. Levi was right. They needed something better, _curse Levi for not doing this sooner_ , and they couldn't in good conscience let her give another goddamn coupon book of favours-

"Oh my god," Hange gasped. They could practically feel the lightbulb light up above their head. "No, Levi, put them away!" They screeched, and grabbed Levi's hand.

"Hange, what the fuck-"

"This way!"

They dragged her to another aisle of goods. Levi, who had begun to hiss curses at them, stopped abruptly. "Oh," she whispered.

"Yeah," Hange grinned. They couldn't believe they hadn't thought of this sooner. Levi photographed as a hobby, and the range of photo frames before them seemed perfect.

"B-but," Levi hesitated. "I haven't developed the latest photos yet-"

"Do you have your phone with you?"

Levi frowned. "Yeah, but-"

"But, nothing," Hange snapped. "The selfies and the candid shots will have to do. Pick a frame or two." They reached into their bag and jingled a bunch of keys. "We're using the office printer."

*

* * *

The end result was gorgeous. Levi was still a little uncertain, but Hange ignored her as usual. The collage of photos, even the unfocused ones, with Snapchat filters and bad lighting, portrayed their relationship more beautifully than some fancy artsy pictures anyway, in their _humble_ opinion. They made sure to tell Levi so at least three times.

And so that was that.

Or so they thought.

Mike and Nanaba were out of town, and they were about to dig into a late Christmas lunch with Moblit's sister's family, when Hange's phone rang. Moblit shot them a stressed glare and Hange silenced the phone immediately, glancing at it long enough to see that it was Erwin. Hange bent their head at the table meekly, cursing Erwin for her timing. Why couldn't she have called later to wish them?

Moblit's brother-in-law began to carve when another phone began to ring. It was Moblit's phone. The kids giggled, the adults looked annoyed, and Hange threw him an apologetic glance. Moblit didn't answer and thirty seconds later his phone was ringing _again_.

"Moblit," his sister sighed, and he got to his feet, stammering apologies. Hange watched him hurry aside, watched him answer the call, saw the blood draining from his face as his mouth opened in shock-

Hange stood up abruptly, their chair screeching back. "What is it?" They asked him, ignoring the others.

"Erwin, she said she was in a hospital…"

The two of them left immediately, barely muttering half-assed apologies. In the car on the way there, Hange said, "Tell me again what she said."

Moblit sighed, his fingers clenched on the steering wheel. "She didn't say much of anything. She sounded like she was panicking."

"Something happened to Levi, then?"

"Looks like it."

"Shit."

They stopped at a red light, and Hange noticed his leg bouncing up and down. They placed a hand on his arm, and he stilled. "No point in worrying yet without knowing all the facts, Mob."

He swallowed hard. "Yeah."

Hange bit their lip. "I'm sorry the lunch didn't work out." They knew how much it meant to him, that his sister had finally invited him and his 'wife' home.

"I -I'm sure she understands."

"Yeah. Maybe we can schedule another lunch soon." But they sounded uncertain and Moblit said nothing in response.

They arrived at the hospital and found Erwin right outside the ER. She looked pale and tense, several strands of her blond hair loose from the elegant chignon on the back of her head. Before either of them could say anything, Erwin said, almost tearfully, "I cooked for her."

" _What_?" Erwin was, to put it mildly, an absolute disaster in the kitchen. Hange couldn't believe she had been so _stupid_.

Erwin bit her lip, her hands twisted together. "She's allergic to shellfish and went into anaphylactic shock." When Hange and Moblit continued to stare at her, speechless, she burst out, defensive, "We didn't know! We never had it before because I don't like it, but I thought I'd make some for her today, and… She couldn't have known either, or she'd have said something. She wouldn't have eaten it-"

"Ms. Smith?" A nurse stepped out of the ER. "Your girlfriend is awake."

They rushed inside then, and followed Erwin to a bed in a corner. Levi lay in it, paler than Hange had ever seen her, her sleek hair a dark halo on the pillow. "Hey," she rasped, and that seemed to be the breaking point for Erwin, who rushed forward and grabbed her hand, shoulders shaking.

"Oh _God_ , Levi, I'm so sorry-"

"S'alright," Levi grunted, but Erwin blubbered on, "I shouldn't have done it, it's my fault-"

"Erwin-"

"I just wanted to do something nice because you hate gifts anyway and I-"

"Erwin-"

"And I was just sitting there all proud that I'd managed to cook something nice for _once_ and I was _proud_ and you almost _died_ -"

"Erwin!" Levi had to almost shout to stop her, and Hange could see her sweating from the effort. Erwin shut up immediately, but another tear made a slow track down her face.

"You…" Levi took a deep breath, clearly gathering her strength to speak.

"Oh darling, don't exert yourself-"

Levi held up a palm weakly and Erwin shut up again. "Your food…" She took another slow breath, and they all waited. "Erwin, your food was _shitty_."

Hange felt Moblit gasp softly next to them. Erwin's eyes were as round as saucers.

"B-but…" She whispered, "Levi, you ate almost all of it."

Levi simply shot her a pointed glare, and Hange felt an immediate jolt of warmth in their chest. Then Erwin _lunged_ , and began to pepper Levi's face with kisses.

"Ma'am, don't restrict her breathing!" A harried nurse called out from across the ER, as a slow giggle burst out from Hange. Erwin leaned back immediately and settled for squeezing Levi's hand instead. "I love you too," she smiled, and Hange had never seen her look so _awful_ , her face splotchy with tears and snot and stress, but Levi looked at her like she was the most beautiful creature on the planet. _If that's not love, I don't know what is_ , Hange mused, leaning back against Moblit, their smile widening when he wrapped his arm around their waist.

Later, when they ended up having their Christmas lunch together after all in the hospital cafeteria, teasing Erwin for her abysmal cooking, Hange realised that perhaps this Christmas hadn't been _too_ bad, on the whole.

*

* * *

And now it will be their third Christmas together, and Hange is determined that it will be a pleasant one from start to finish, disaster girlfriends be _damned_.

"Christmas is still some time away, Hange," Moblit reminds them.

"I know," Hange nods, then grins, revelling in the way Moblit starts to look nervous. "I have a plan." They pause, thinking, and continue, "You should tell your sister we won't be available for Christmas lunch right now, schedule something in advance."

Moblit sighs, then shakes his head ruefully. "Of course," he grins back.

*

* * *

~~**_DISASTERMAS_ ** ~~

~~**_YEAR THREE_ ** ~~

After much wheedling and convincing, everyone is game for Hange's idea. Frankly, they're surprised they didn't think of it sooner. Everyone somehow manages to get time off from work, and they all fly together to the beach Christmas Hange envisioned.

And it does seem to go well. Despite Mike getting food poisoning for the first two days, despite Moblit's luggage getting misplaced at the airport. Despite Erwin getting bitten by a crab on Christmas Eve, despite Nanaba's poorly timed drowning prank. Despite Levi following them around like a wraith, constantly complaining about the heat and the sand and the humidity, yes, despite _everything_ , they're all having fun.

No one exchanges gifts on Christmas day, per Erwin's special request. Hange and Moblit exchange theirs at midnight on Christmas Eve in the cosy privacy of their own room. Hange is pretty sure Mike and Nanaba have done the same. It's a testament to how well Levi has integrated herself into their group -they all love her and no one minds or resents her for the break in tradition.

Everyone is slow and lazy on Christmas morning. Hange and Moblit stumble down for breakfast at noon, to find Mike and Nanaba dozing on a single deck chair, and the girls just placing their breakfast order.

"...no shellfish at all, please," Erwin says solemnly, grasping Levi's hand tightly. "My girlfriend is _deathly_ allergic."

Levi has a small fond smile on her face as she tucks a lock of Erwin's hair back into her loose bun. Hange suddenly feels so happy they want to scream - everyone is so content and everything is just _perfect_! They decide that screaming may well ruin the peace that has made them happy in the first place, so they settle for squeezing Moblit, hard, who seems to understand and squeezes them back just as firmly.

A couple of hours later, Mike and Nanaba have drifted over to their table, and they're all making half-hearted plans for the rest of the day. No one clearly wants to budge from where they are. Their resort is a bunch of shacks and huts that sits right on the beach. The gentle roar of the sea beyond them offsets the incongruous _Let it snow, let it snow…_ music playing on the restaurant speakers. Hange is barely paying attention, taking picture after picture of the waves with their new DSLR camera, when suddenly, they get an idea.

"We should take a group picture!" They say loudly, waving their camera. Levi sniffs disdainfully at it, and they ignore her as usual. "Come _on_ , I can set a timer on this thing and we can all make crazy poses. It'll be fun!"

Erwin chimes in, "It'll be a nice way to remember this trip!"

" _Yes_!" Hange nods. They make their way to a small clump of coconut trees that has enough shade to avoid the mid-afternoon glare of the sun. It is nothing compared to the glower on Levi's face, however; she is trudging behind all of them, grumbling about the heat and the "icky sand" getting on her flipflops. Hange has never seen anyone complain this much about the sun before. She is fully covered in a light cotton top and matching pants, as opposed to Erwin who is taking every opportunity to flaunt her beach bod. An incongruous pair, and yet Hange sees how easily Erwin hooks her arm around Levi's waist, how Levi stops grumbling and actually _smiles_.

Moblit returns from their room with the tripod stand, and everyone shuffles around, trying to find their perfect spot. Hange leaves Moblit to set up the timer while they discuss what kind of weird poses they can make. Mike is for simply jumping as high as possible, Nanaba wants everyone to pose "action movie style", finger guns and all. Levi says she can't believe what an absolute bunch of nerds they are.

They're still arguing when Erwin jogs over, her face bright and excited. Then Moblit calls out, "Okay, places everyone!" He doesn't wait for their response, simply clicks the button and hurries over to them. They all arrange themselves in a quick second, all smiling generic smiles, when suddenly, Erwin pushes past Hange and hands Levi an envelope.

"Erwin, what-"

"Merry Christmas and happy birthday, darling."

Levi is spluttering. "Erwin, _now_ -?"

"Open it," Erwin nods, smiling.

Hange eyes the envelope nervously. It's too small to be a proper present from Erwin, Erwin fucking Smith who made grand gestures and bought her girlfriend a _car_ for her first Christmas. Hange almost expects a cheque, but when Levi pulls out a simple sheet of embossed card, they feel as confused as Levi looks.

And then they all gasp as one, because Erwin drops down onto one knee, smiling and holding up a ring that glimmers in the sunlight. The card falls from Levi's hand, and Hange can see a simple four word question written on it.

_Holy. Shit._

They are all frozen in shock for one long moment.

And then Levi turns heel and marches away.

Erwin's smile slips off, Hange's jaw drops because _what the actual FUCK_ \- but Levi rifles through her tote bag next to the camera, marches right back, and falls to her knees in front of Erwin, right on the _icky sand_ -

And she snaps open a ring box of her own.

Erwin's gasp is lost in everyone else's, and her tearful " _Yes_!" is drowned by Hange's scream. Pandemonium ensues. Hange is shaking Nanaba, who is already crying, so hard her head is rattling. Mike and Moblit are crowing at the top of their lungs. Levi and Erwin are kissing, rings already glinting on each of their hands.

"Best Christmas _ever_!" Hange screeches, and everyone agrees.

*

* * *

Later that night, after a hearty dinner and much champagne, Hange sighs contentedly and presses closer to Moblit as they slow dance to the holiday music. Mike and Nanaba are dancing too, and Levi and Erwin are sitting at the table, feeding each other cake and admiring the rings on their hands.

Hange watches them for a long moment before blurting, "Do you want to get married, Mob?"

Moblit leans back, looks at them. "No? I thought you didn't either?"

Hange hums. "I don't. But I guess I can see why the others like it so much."

"We're practically married, as far as I'm concerned," Moblit shrugs lightly. He follows their gaze and sees the girls. "I can buy you a ring, if you like," he grins.

Hange laughs out loud. Erwin glances up, smiles warmly at them, and turns back to her girlf- no, _fiancée_.

"I wonder how the picture came out," Hange says.

"Oh, Erwin asked me to take a video instead."

Hange stops, and Moblit stumbles into them. "So there's a _video_ of the proposal?"

Moblit's eyebrows rise at the glint in their eyes. "... Yes?" He sounds wary.

Hange snorts and begins to dance again, leading this time. " _Excellent_. We have a wedding to plan, now."

Moblit's eyes widen, he gulps. "Well," he says after a moment. "Then it's best we're not married." At Hange's inquiring glance, he pecks a kiss on their nose. " _One_ disaster wedding is more than enough for us all, don't you think?"

Hange bursts out laughing again, this time attracting all their friends' attention. "Agreed," they snicker, and kiss him.

**Author's Note:**

> I realised too late that Mike and Nana barely have any dialogues, but I had too much written down to try and change it. Hopefully the glimpses of them are good enough!
> 
> The part with Moblit's sister was also unexpected, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to leave it in or not, since this is overall a fluff piece. If it helps, my HC is that Moblit's sister slowly grows to accept them both and eventually Hange takes great pride in being the kids' "aunkle" XD
> 
> Lastly, Levi is a mean little bitch in canon, so she *had* to be the same here. I have no regrets.
> 
> Thanks for reading, and happy holidays everyone!! <3


End file.
